A woman comes home and tells her husband, ‘Remember those headaches I’ve been having. All these years? Well, they’re gone.’ ‘No more headaches?’
the husband asks, ‘What happened?’ His wife replies, ‘Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ‘ I do not have a headache ‘ ‘ I do not have a headache ‘ ‘ I do not have a headache ‘ Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.
‘ Well, that is wonderful’ proclaims the husband. His wife then says, ‘You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ‘ Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’ He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.. His wife says, ‘WOW! – that was wonderful!’
The husband says, ‘Don’t move! I will be right back.’ He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning ‘ OH MY GOD ‘ She proclaims.
Her husband again says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’ With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying. ‘She’s not my wife ‘ ‘She’s not my wife ‘ ‘She’s not my wife ‘ . ‘She’s not my wife ‘
Story cut short, his wife is now languishing in jail for homicide.
Showing posts with label KWELA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label KWELA. Show all posts
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Sunday, July 5, 2009
ANG ALAMAT KUNG BAKIT NAGSISINUNGALING ANG MGA LALAKI...
Karpintero itong si Juan at isang araw eh gumagawa siya
ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog.
Sa lakas ng pagmamartilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo
niya sa ilog.
Umiyak siya at lumitaw ang Guardian Angel niya.
"tutulungan kita Juan" sabay lundag sa ilog. Umahon ito at
hawak ng ang "Golden Hammer" "Ito ba ang martilyo mo?
"Hindi po", sagot ni Juan. Lundag ulit ang Guardian Angel
at paglitaw ay may hawak namang "Silver Hammer" ito ba?
...Hindi po! Lundag ulit ang "angel" at pag litaw ay may
hawak na itong "Ordinary Hammer" "ito ba? ..."Opo!"
Natuwa ang anghel. " Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo
ay ibibigay ko na rin sa iyo pareho ang Golden at Silver hammer!
Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Juan sa may ilog
at kasama ang Misis niya. Eh sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari,
nalaglag si Misis sa ilog...iyak si Juan
Litaw si guardian Angel, "tutulungan kita"
...sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si...
Jennifer Lopez,
"ito ba ang misis mo ?" ... sagot si Juan,
"Opo"...Nagalit ang anhel, Sinungaling ka,
akala ko pa naman ay mabait ka!"
Nag-reason si Juan, "sorry po Angel...
kasi pag sinabi kong hindi, eh lulundag ka ulit
sa tubig at paglitaw mo kasama mo si Britney Spears.
At pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko,
eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na Misis ko na ang kasama mo.
At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin
sina Jennifer at Britney.
Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa,
kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.
***
Moral of the story:
Kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki,
Eh, for a good and noble reason.
ng isang bahay sa tabi ng ilog.
Sa lakas ng pagmamartilyo niya eh nalaglag ang martilyo
niya sa ilog.
Umiyak siya at lumitaw ang Guardian Angel niya.
"tutulungan kita Juan" sabay lundag sa ilog. Umahon ito at
hawak ng ang "Golden Hammer" "Ito ba ang martilyo mo?
"Hindi po", sagot ni Juan. Lundag ulit ang Guardian Angel
at paglitaw ay may hawak namang "Silver Hammer" ito ba?
...Hindi po! Lundag ulit ang "angel" at pag litaw ay may
hawak na itong "Ordinary Hammer" "ito ba? ..."Opo!"
Natuwa ang anghel. " Dahil honest ka, bukod sa martilyo mo
ay ibibigay ko na rin sa iyo pareho ang Golden at Silver hammer!
Makaraan ang ilang araw, naglalakad si Juan sa may ilog
at kasama ang Misis niya. Eh sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari,
nalaglag si Misis sa ilog...iyak si Juan
Litaw si guardian Angel, "tutulungan kita"
...sabay lundag sa ilog at ng lumitaw eh kasama si...
Jennifer Lopez,
"ito ba ang misis mo ?" ... sagot si Juan,
"Opo"...Nagalit ang anhel, Sinungaling ka,
akala ko pa naman ay mabait ka!"
Nag-reason si Juan, "sorry po Angel...
kasi pag sinabi kong hindi, eh lulundag ka ulit
sa tubig at paglitaw mo kasama mo si Britney Spears.
At pag sinabi ko uli na hindi siya ang asawa ko,
eh lulundag ka uli at ang tunay na Misis ko na ang kasama mo.
At dahil sa kabaitan ko, eh ibibigay mo din sa akin
sina Jennifer at Britney.
Mahirap lang po ako at hindi ko kaya ang me tatlong asawa,
kaya 'Yes' na lang ang sinagot ko nung una.
***
Moral of the story:
Kaya lang naman nagsi-sinungaling ang mga lalaki,
Eh, for a good and noble reason.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
CURTAIN RODS
She spent the first day packing her belongings into
boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!!!!!! I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
Friday, September 5, 2008
HOW PROUD YOU ARE WITH YOUR SON?
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school To become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the Best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
"What are all the congratulations for? ' One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he Received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the restroom.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school To become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the Best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
"What are all the congratulations for? ' One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?"
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame... what a disappointment."
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he Received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
Thursday, August 28, 2008
DEAL OR NO DEAL
Natutuwa ako sa kwentong ito kaya share ko sa iba
Kris: Magandang gabi mga kapamilya, sa gameshow na ito importante ang sagot sa nag-iisang katanungang Deal or no Deal. Ang ating player ngayong gabi ay walang iba kundi ang fastest-rising household services manager na si Inday![umentra si Inday at nagpalakpakan ang mga tao]
Kris: Ok Inday, choose a briefcase.
Inday: Kris, I would opt for case #4 please.
Kris: Briefcase # 4… si Sharmel. Inday, matanong ko lang, how did you come up with the number 4?
Inday: Oh, do you really want to know Kris?
Kris: Oo naman. I’m sure kaya ko naman maintindihan yung sasabihin mo eh.
Inday: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability distribution function that involves integrating up to an area greater than or equal to that random number which should be generated between 0 and 1 for proper distributions.
Kris: Syet. tanong tanong pa kasi eh.
Kris: Ok Inday, choose 6 briefcases to open.
Inday: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15 and 20.
Kris: Wait lang Inday, usually isa isa lang ang pagbubukas natin ng case…
Inday: Why is that? As if I can change the outcome if we’re to open a case each time I blurt out a number as opposed to opening each case immediately one after the other right?
Kris: Hayyy…babaguhin pa talaga mechanics (bulong sa sarili).
Kris: Anwyay, di bale na lang nga… tuloy tayo. Number 7. Natalie buksan na!![Yung audience sumisigaw ng LOWER!! LOWER!!!]
Kris: Teka lang, bago natin buksan… Inday, usually ang mga contestants naten ay sumisigaw ng “LOWER" every time magbubukas ng case.
Inday: Kris, I guess that’s not the way I was taught in grade school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of the word or add “ER" to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to compare it to. Am I right? [natahimik ang audience at napaisip]
Kris: Oo nga no! Kris: Sige Natalie, Buksan mo na.[Ang laman ng briefcase 7 ay Piso… Palakpakan ang mga tao]
Kris: Good start! Ano yung next case mo ulit?
Inday: Case number 24 please.
Kris: Chloe… buksan na…[Audience sumisigaw ulit ng LOWER!! LOWER!!]
Kris: Wait lang guys, Inday may nabuksan ng case baket di ka pa rin sumisigaw ng “Lower" ?
Inday: Oh my goodness Kris, how long have you been doing this? Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened? Sheesh.[Napaisip ulit ang audience at natahimik]
Kris: Aarrgghh!!!! Chloe buksan na lang nga, pati na rin yung 12, 2, 15 and 20 buksan na rin para matapos na. [naiirita na][At sunod sunod na ngang nabukas ang mga case ni Inday][nag-ring ang phone]
Inday: Ahh Kris, to save more time can you tell Banker that I’m not interested in his first offer. In the history of this game of chance, I have yet to see someone accept a first offer from the banker. It’s quite pathetic and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if asking for advice before ultimately rejecting the first offer. I mean come on, isn’t that a waste of airtime?
Banker: Potahhh!!! [narinig sa set kahit sarado ang kwarto ni banker]- Ito ang unang pagkakataon na marinig ng mga audience ang boses ni banker sa Deal or no Deal.… dumating na sa kalagitnaan ng show at mukhang minamalas na si Inday…
Kris: Ok Inday, mukhang kelangan na natin ng tulong sa mga friends mo… sino ba yung bigotilyong lalaki na naka-polo? Ano name nya?
Inday: Ahh, that’s my master Mr. Montemayor.
Kris: Ahhh sya pala yun, how cute naman pala eh. Sige sir, give us a number.
Mr. Montemayor: Hi Kris, good evening. I’m a fan. I choose number 22 please.
Kris: Ano Inday ok ba yung number 22?
Inday: Whatever, we shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds us anyway. Go ahead.
Kris: [taray naman] Sofie, buksan na![ang laman ng briefcase 22 ay 5,000]
Kris: Good job! Sino naman yung gwapong lalake na naka jumper na katabi ni Mr. Montemayor? What’s his name?
Inday: Ahh, that’s my on again off again boyfriend, Dodong the gardener.
Kris: Ooohh, sya pala yun. Ok Dodong, give us a number!
Dodong: Hi babes, I choose briefcase 9 if it’s ok with you. If not, it’s ok with me as long as it’s ok with you.
Kris: Ano raw? Inday, number 9 daw ok say0?
Inday: Yes Kris, it’s fine with me.
Kris: Wow ang bait pag kay Dodong. Ederlyn… buksan na!!…nanlaki ang mga mata ni Inday at hindi sya makapaniwala. Natahimik at mukhang kakapusin sya ng hininga…
Inday: YOU!!! How dare you invade my moment![nagulat si Kris at ang mga audience sa reaksyon ni Inday. Nagpatawag si Kris ng commercial break at nagpakuha ng tubig para kay Inday.]Nagkatitigan sina Inday at Ederlyn. Nakangisi si Ederlyn habang hawak ang briefcase ni Inday.
Ederlyn: Pinapangako ko, Inday… pagbukas luluhod ang mga tala! hahahahaha!
Inday: What? Can you speak up? What are you mumbling up there. Can somebody give her a microphone please?
Kris: Ano ba!! Tama na nga ang drama ninyo, Ederlyn buksan mo na ang case at umexit ka na kung ayaw mong mapalitan! (naiirita na si Kris)Dali-daling binuksan ni Ederlyn ang briefcase at ang laman ay… P3,000,000.Nanghinayang ang mga audience… Ang mga natirang values ay 250, 1K, 20K, 50K, and 500K.Inday: NooOoo…. (sabay tingin kay Dodong at napapaluha), how could you…Dodong: I’m so sorry Inday, please forgive me.
Kris: Hayyy, drama again. Ang offer ni banker sa pagbabalik ng Kapamilya, Deal.. or No Deal![pagtapos ng commercial break… mukhang composed na ulit si Inday]
Kris: Inday, are you okay? Ang offer ni banker ay 99 thousand pesos. ‘Sing rami siguro ng pilipinong pinadugo mo ng ilong. Is it a Deal or No Deal?Tahimik lang si Inday tilang may kinocompute sa ulo habang ang mga audience ay nagsisigawan ng “No Deal!" , ang iba naman ay “Deal!" .
Kris: Wait lang, kung mapapansin ninyo we have only have 5 cases left, and among those 5, apat doon ay mas maliit na value…
Inday: Kris, do you mind? Can I do my own thinking?Natameme si Kris, pati ang audience ay natahimik.
Kris: Taray to the max! (pabulong sa sarili)
Inday: Ok, I’m ready. Upon looking at the reality of the situation, 80% of the cases left have at least 49K less than the banker’s offer. The only way I can do better than what is offered is that if my case contains the 500k or I’d get to open one of the four lower values. But I have to keep in mind that there’s only 20% probability that this would happen. I have to take note, however, that the banker’s offer is roughly around 15% lower than the offer I expected based on the arithmetic mean of the values left.
Kris: Lorddd… panaginip ba ‘to? Ayokonaaa….
Inday: Accepting a deal for less than the mean should generally be regarded as a weak decision so I would say, NO DEAL!Limang briefcase na lang ang natitira at kasama na doon ang case ni Inday…
Kris: My God, nakaka-stress itong episode na ito ha. Baka dumugo na rin ang ilong ko sa’yo Inday. Sige Inday, go ahead and choose 1 briefcase!
Inday: Ok Kris, I choose briefcase #5 please?
Kris: Briefcase #5! Mimi bago mo buksan yan I would first like to thank Figliarina by Schubizz for my sandals, Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make-up and Pepsi Herrera for my gown tonight.
Kris: Ok Mimi, buk…
Inday: Ahh Kris, can I also take time to thank a few people? I mean, I did save us a few minutes of airtime right?
Kris: (“kapal naman talaga ng mukha!" …bulong sa sarili) Sige, ok lang go ahead. (naka-smile pa rin)
Inday: Thanks! Yes, I would like to thank Frank Provost for my hair and make-up, Jimmy Choo for my sandals and my dear friend Oscar dela Renta for my gown tonight.BLAG!! Tinumba ni Kris ang podium at nagwalk-out. Hindi na natapos ang show kaya’t binigyan na lang ni Banker si Inday ng kalahating milyon para sa kanyang oras.
Inday: Oh, and thanks to the people of Cartier for sending me these nice earrings for tonight!
[Ito ang isa sa mga un-aired episode ng Kapamilya, Deal or No Deal]
Kris: Magandang gabi mga kapamilya, sa gameshow na ito importante ang sagot sa nag-iisang katanungang Deal or no Deal. Ang ating player ngayong gabi ay walang iba kundi ang fastest-rising household services manager na si Inday![umentra si Inday at nagpalakpakan ang mga tao]
Kris: Ok Inday, choose a briefcase.
Inday: Kris, I would opt for case #4 please.
Kris: Briefcase # 4… si Sharmel. Inday, matanong ko lang, how did you come up with the number 4?
Inday: Oh, do you really want to know Kris?
Kris: Oo naman. I’m sure kaya ko naman maintindihan yung sasabihin mo eh.
Inday: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability distribution function that involves integrating up to an area greater than or equal to that random number which should be generated between 0 and 1 for proper distributions.
Kris: Syet. tanong tanong pa kasi eh.
Kris: Ok Inday, choose 6 briefcases to open.
Inday: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15 and 20.
Kris: Wait lang Inday, usually isa isa lang ang pagbubukas natin ng case…
Inday: Why is that? As if I can change the outcome if we’re to open a case each time I blurt out a number as opposed to opening each case immediately one after the other right?
Kris: Hayyy…babaguhin pa talaga mechanics (bulong sa sarili).
Kris: Anwyay, di bale na lang nga… tuloy tayo. Number 7. Natalie buksan na!![Yung audience sumisigaw ng LOWER!! LOWER!!!]
Kris: Teka lang, bago natin buksan… Inday, usually ang mga contestants naten ay sumisigaw ng “LOWER" every time magbubukas ng case.
Inday: Kris, I guess that’s not the way I was taught in grade school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of the word or add “ER" to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to compare it to. Am I right? [natahimik ang audience at napaisip]
Kris: Oo nga no! Kris: Sige Natalie, Buksan mo na.[Ang laman ng briefcase 7 ay Piso… Palakpakan ang mga tao]
Kris: Good start! Ano yung next case mo ulit?
Inday: Case number 24 please.
Kris: Chloe… buksan na…[Audience sumisigaw ulit ng LOWER!! LOWER!!]
Kris: Wait lang guys, Inday may nabuksan ng case baket di ka pa rin sumisigaw ng “Lower" ?
Inday: Oh my goodness Kris, how long have you been doing this? Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened? Sheesh.[Napaisip ulit ang audience at natahimik]
Kris: Aarrgghh!!!! Chloe buksan na lang nga, pati na rin yung 12, 2, 15 and 20 buksan na rin para matapos na. [naiirita na][At sunod sunod na ngang nabukas ang mga case ni Inday][nag-ring ang phone]
Inday: Ahh Kris, to save more time can you tell Banker that I’m not interested in his first offer. In the history of this game of chance, I have yet to see someone accept a first offer from the banker. It’s quite pathetic and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if asking for advice before ultimately rejecting the first offer. I mean come on, isn’t that a waste of airtime?
Banker: Potahhh!!! [narinig sa set kahit sarado ang kwarto ni banker]- Ito ang unang pagkakataon na marinig ng mga audience ang boses ni banker sa Deal or no Deal.… dumating na sa kalagitnaan ng show at mukhang minamalas na si Inday…
Kris: Ok Inday, mukhang kelangan na natin ng tulong sa mga friends mo… sino ba yung bigotilyong lalaki na naka-polo? Ano name nya?
Inday: Ahh, that’s my master Mr. Montemayor.
Kris: Ahhh sya pala yun, how cute naman pala eh. Sige sir, give us a number.
Mr. Montemayor: Hi Kris, good evening. I’m a fan. I choose number 22 please.
Kris: Ano Inday ok ba yung number 22?
Inday: Whatever, we shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds us anyway. Go ahead.
Kris: [taray naman] Sofie, buksan na![ang laman ng briefcase 22 ay 5,000]
Kris: Good job! Sino naman yung gwapong lalake na naka jumper na katabi ni Mr. Montemayor? What’s his name?
Inday: Ahh, that’s my on again off again boyfriend, Dodong the gardener.
Kris: Ooohh, sya pala yun. Ok Dodong, give us a number!
Dodong: Hi babes, I choose briefcase 9 if it’s ok with you. If not, it’s ok with me as long as it’s ok with you.
Kris: Ano raw? Inday, number 9 daw ok say0?
Inday: Yes Kris, it’s fine with me.
Kris: Wow ang bait pag kay Dodong. Ederlyn… buksan na!!…nanlaki ang mga mata ni Inday at hindi sya makapaniwala. Natahimik at mukhang kakapusin sya ng hininga…
Inday: YOU!!! How dare you invade my moment![nagulat si Kris at ang mga audience sa reaksyon ni Inday. Nagpatawag si Kris ng commercial break at nagpakuha ng tubig para kay Inday.]Nagkatitigan sina Inday at Ederlyn. Nakangisi si Ederlyn habang hawak ang briefcase ni Inday.
Ederlyn: Pinapangako ko, Inday… pagbukas luluhod ang mga tala! hahahahaha!
Inday: What? Can you speak up? What are you mumbling up there. Can somebody give her a microphone please?
Kris: Ano ba!! Tama na nga ang drama ninyo, Ederlyn buksan mo na ang case at umexit ka na kung ayaw mong mapalitan! (naiirita na si Kris)Dali-daling binuksan ni Ederlyn ang briefcase at ang laman ay… P3,000,000.Nanghinayang ang mga audience… Ang mga natirang values ay 250, 1K, 20K, 50K, and 500K.Inday: NooOoo…. (sabay tingin kay Dodong at napapaluha), how could you…Dodong: I’m so sorry Inday, please forgive me.
Kris: Hayyy, drama again. Ang offer ni banker sa pagbabalik ng Kapamilya, Deal.. or No Deal![pagtapos ng commercial break… mukhang composed na ulit si Inday]
Kris: Inday, are you okay? Ang offer ni banker ay 99 thousand pesos. ‘Sing rami siguro ng pilipinong pinadugo mo ng ilong. Is it a Deal or No Deal?Tahimik lang si Inday tilang may kinocompute sa ulo habang ang mga audience ay nagsisigawan ng “No Deal!" , ang iba naman ay “Deal!" .
Kris: Wait lang, kung mapapansin ninyo we have only have 5 cases left, and among those 5, apat doon ay mas maliit na value…
Inday: Kris, do you mind? Can I do my own thinking?Natameme si Kris, pati ang audience ay natahimik.
Kris: Taray to the max! (pabulong sa sarili)
Inday: Ok, I’m ready. Upon looking at the reality of the situation, 80% of the cases left have at least 49K less than the banker’s offer. The only way I can do better than what is offered is that if my case contains the 500k or I’d get to open one of the four lower values. But I have to keep in mind that there’s only 20% probability that this would happen. I have to take note, however, that the banker’s offer is roughly around 15% lower than the offer I expected based on the arithmetic mean of the values left.
Kris: Lorddd… panaginip ba ‘to? Ayokonaaa….
Inday: Accepting a deal for less than the mean should generally be regarded as a weak decision so I would say, NO DEAL!Limang briefcase na lang ang natitira at kasama na doon ang case ni Inday…
Kris: My God, nakaka-stress itong episode na ito ha. Baka dumugo na rin ang ilong ko sa’yo Inday. Sige Inday, go ahead and choose 1 briefcase!
Inday: Ok Kris, I choose briefcase #5 please?
Kris: Briefcase #5! Mimi bago mo buksan yan I would first like to thank Figliarina by Schubizz for my sandals, Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make-up and Pepsi Herrera for my gown tonight.
Kris: Ok Mimi, buk…
Inday: Ahh Kris, can I also take time to thank a few people? I mean, I did save us a few minutes of airtime right?
Kris: (“kapal naman talaga ng mukha!" …bulong sa sarili) Sige, ok lang go ahead. (naka-smile pa rin)
Inday: Thanks! Yes, I would like to thank Frank Provost for my hair and make-up, Jimmy Choo for my sandals and my dear friend Oscar dela Renta for my gown tonight.BLAG!! Tinumba ni Kris ang podium at nagwalk-out. Hindi na natapos ang show kaya’t binigyan na lang ni Banker si Inday ng kalahating milyon para sa kanyang oras.
Inday: Oh, and thanks to the people of Cartier for sending me these nice earrings for tonight!
[Ito ang isa sa mga un-aired episode ng Kapamilya, Deal or No Deal]
Thursday, August 14, 2008
THIS BLOG TELLS ONE LINER
Minsan may mga usapin na hindi na dinadaan sa mahabang usapan;
Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mo na lang ako" - electric fan
" Hindi lahat ng walang salawal ay bastos" - Winnie d' pooh
" Wala na ba akong karapatang magmahal? " - gasolina
" Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya." -plema
" Ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao ganun mo na lang ako itanggi.." -utot
" Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong pinagpapasa-pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako." - Bola
" Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!" - Patrick (friend of sponge Bob)
" Mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa? bakit palipat-lipat ka? -TV
" Hindi lahat ng maasim ay may vitamin C " - kili-kili
" Ulit-ulitin mo man akong alisin sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik pa rin ako " -libag
" Huwag mo na akong bilugin! " - kulangot
" Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo? " - Lego block toys
" Hindi lahat ng dugo ay puwedeng i-donate " - regla
" Bawl tumaye dewto" basa ng turistang kano sa nakasulat sa pader " Bawal Tumae dito."
" Alam ko naman na katawan ko lang anghabol mo." - wife of an tattoo artist
"One fifty pa po." - jeepney at tricycle drivers na nagtaas ng pamasahe
" Ang haba naman ng pila" reklamo ng mga bibili ng NFA rice
" Sana tumama ako. " tumataya sa lotto
" Huwag po, lolo ! - A girl being molested by her grandfather.
" Matagal na kaming nakatira dito!" - sigaw ng mga eskwater na dine-demolish ng MMDA
" Hu-hu-hu-hu? " -iyak ng mga upahang crying ladies
" Hu ~ hu - hu -hu - ! - " - iyak ni Jinggoy ng mamatay si Daboy
" Si Zsa-Zsa ang viagra ko " - Dolphy
"Ayoko ko na, talaga ! " - reklamo ng 4 na beses ng bumabagsak sa board exam
" Bakit ang taas ng bill ko! " - Reaksyon ng kostumer ng Meralco bill
" Huwag dyan, Huwag dyan, may kiliti ako dyan " - kanta ng the Bodies.
" Walang kai-kaibigan, walang kama-kamag-anak." - Erap inaugural speech
" Tandaan ang buhay ay weather-weather lang " - Kim Atienza (weather forecaster)
"Ang nakatira sa siyudad, may urbanidad" - MMDA Chairman Bayani Fernando
" Teka, Saan ninyo ako dadalhin? - Jun Lozada (when he was escorted upon his arrival)
" Walang tawirang nakakamatay" - Footbridge
" Kasalanan ng PAGASA" -sagot ng Sulpicio sa paglubog ng kanilang barko.
" Ibagsak si Gloria ! - sigaw ng mga militante nuong SONA.
" ???????" - mga nakinig sa SONA
" I am sorry." - (GMA)
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
KUNG PINOY SI NOAH
Taong 2005 at isang ordinaryong middle class pinoy si Noah. Nagpakita sa kanya ang Diyos at sinabing "Pagkatapos ng isang taon ay bubuhos ang malakas na ulan at babahain ang buong kapuluan ng Pilipinas. Gusto kong gumawa ka ng isang malaking arko at isakay mo rito ang pares-pares na mga hayop at mga mag-asawang pilipino sa iba't ibang kapuluan." Ibinigay kay Noah ang specs ng Arko at taos puso nitong tinanggap ang responsibilidad na sagipin ang sambayanang Pilipino sa napipintong pagbaha.
Lumipas ang taon, muling nagpakita ang Diyos kay Noah. Walang arkong nagawa si Noah at galit na galit siyang tinanong ng Diyos, "Nasaan ang arko na ipinagawa ko sa iyo?" Tumugon si Noah, "Patawarin po ninyo ako kung di po natupad ang utos Ninyo! Kalbo na po ang kagubatan wala na pong kahoy at nagkaruon pa po ng iba't-ibang problema sa plano po ninyo."
At inilahad ni Noah ang mga sagabal na nakaharap niya sa pag-gawa ng arko. Humingi siya ng Mayor's permit pero papayag lang daw si Mayor kung ang gagawa ng arko ay ang construction firm ng kanyang pamangkin. Tumungo siya sa Congressman pero papayag lang daw si Congressman kung may matatanggap siyang 30% commission. Pumayag po ako pero nagtayo ng unyon ang mga kinuha kong manggagawa at nag-strike.
Natunugan ng mga left-leaning groups ang kanyang balak at ang mga ito ay nag-rally dahil daw sa hindi makatarungang pagpili ng mga taong sasakay sa arko (mga taong naniniwala lang sa Diyos ang pwedeng sumakay). Nakisali sa rally ang mga bakla at tomboy dahil bias daw na normal na mag-asawa lang ang pwedeng sumakay. Ang civil society group ay nakisali na rin sa gulo dahil napag-alaman daw nila na ang pondong gagamitin sa paggawa ng arko ay galing sa donasyon ng mga gambling lords at katas ng huweteng. Sa kaguluhang ito ay napilitang magpatawag ng hearing ang senado "in aid of legislation". Sinubukan ni Noah na gamitin ang EO 464 para makaiwas sa hearing pero dahil hindi sya executive official, napilitan siyang tumistigo. Nang malaman ng senado na utos ng Diyos ang pagpapagawa ng arko, dineklara nila itong unconstitutional dahil hindi raw nito iginalang ang separation ng church at state .
Nakialam na rin ang ISAFP at DOJ na ito raw ay gagamitin ng grupong Magdalo sa binabalak nilang coup laban kay Arroyo. Nilapitan ni Noah si Mike Defensor para makipag-usap kay GMA. Payag daw si GMA na ituloy ang arko kung ipapaskil daw sa arko ang malaking mukha ni Arroyo na may slogan "Towards a Strong Republic".
"Hindi po ako pumayag kaya hanggang ngayon po ay may TRO ang pag-gawa ng arko. Sa palagay ko po kailangan ko pa ng 10 taon para matapos ang inyong proyekto." Ang huling wika ni Noah.
Napa-iling ang Diyos at sinabing, "Di ko na kailangang wasakin pa ang bansang ito.
Lumipas ang taon, muling nagpakita ang Diyos kay Noah. Walang arkong nagawa si Noah at galit na galit siyang tinanong ng Diyos, "Nasaan ang arko na ipinagawa ko sa iyo?" Tumugon si Noah, "Patawarin po ninyo ako kung di po natupad ang utos Ninyo! Kalbo na po ang kagubatan wala na pong kahoy at nagkaruon pa po ng iba't-ibang problema sa plano po ninyo."
At inilahad ni Noah ang mga sagabal na nakaharap niya sa pag-gawa ng arko. Humingi siya ng Mayor's permit pero papayag lang daw si Mayor kung ang gagawa ng arko ay ang construction firm ng kanyang pamangkin. Tumungo siya sa Congressman pero papayag lang daw si Congressman kung may matatanggap siyang 30% commission. Pumayag po ako pero nagtayo ng unyon ang mga kinuha kong manggagawa at nag-strike.
Natunugan ng mga left-leaning groups ang kanyang balak at ang mga ito ay nag-rally dahil daw sa hindi makatarungang pagpili ng mga taong sasakay sa arko (mga taong naniniwala lang sa Diyos ang pwedeng sumakay). Nakisali sa rally ang mga bakla at tomboy dahil bias daw na normal na mag-asawa lang ang pwedeng sumakay. Ang civil society group ay nakisali na rin sa gulo dahil napag-alaman daw nila na ang pondong gagamitin sa paggawa ng arko ay galing sa donasyon ng mga gambling lords at katas ng huweteng. Sa kaguluhang ito ay napilitang magpatawag ng hearing ang senado "in aid of legislation". Sinubukan ni Noah na gamitin ang EO 464 para makaiwas sa hearing pero dahil hindi sya executive official, napilitan siyang tumistigo. Nang malaman ng senado na utos ng Diyos ang pagpapagawa ng arko, dineklara nila itong unconstitutional dahil hindi raw nito iginalang ang separation ng church at state .
Nakialam na rin ang ISAFP at DOJ na ito raw ay gagamitin ng grupong Magdalo sa binabalak nilang coup laban kay Arroyo. Nilapitan ni Noah si Mike Defensor para makipag-usap kay GMA. Payag daw si GMA na ituloy ang arko kung ipapaskil daw sa arko ang malaking mukha ni Arroyo na may slogan "Towards a Strong Republic".
"Hindi po ako pumayag kaya hanggang ngayon po ay may TRO ang pag-gawa ng arko. Sa palagay ko po kailangan ko pa ng 10 taon para matapos ang inyong proyekto." Ang huling wika ni Noah.
Napa-iling ang Diyos at sinabing, "Di ko na kailangang wasakin pa ang bansang ito.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
HUSBAND AND WIFE
A man escaped from a prison where he'd been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes intothe bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck.! He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and is very attracted to you and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."
His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck.! He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute and is very attracted to you and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong. I love you, too."
Monday, March 31, 2008
AMAZING LOVE STORY
HARD TO BELIEVE BUT... JUST READ. THIS IS A VERY SHOCKING STORY... NAKAKAKILABOT TALAGA...
This is a story from University of the Philippines (Diliman) about a young college girl who passed away last month. Her name was Tiffany. She was hit by a dumper truck. She had a boyfriend named Noel. Both of them were true lovers. They always hung on the phone. You could never see her without her cell phone. In fact she also changed her network coverage from Smart to Globe, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost and get good network coverage. She spent half of the day talking with Noel. Tiffany's family knew about their relationship. Noel was very close with Tiffany's family. (Just imagine their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends 'If I pass away please bury me with my hand phone' she also said the same thing to her parents. After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't, everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called a Feng Shui Master. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said 'THIS GIRL MISSES SOMETHING HERE '. Then her friends told the Master about her intentions to bury her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and places her phone and SIM card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. Tiffany's parents did not inform Noel that Tiffany had passed away. After 2 weeks Noel called Tiffany's mom and said, 'I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Don't tell Tiffany that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her.' Her mother replied... 'You come home first, I wanna tell you something very important.' After he came, they told him the truth about Tiffany. Noel thought that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said 'don't try to fool me - tell Tiffany to come out, I have a gift for her. Please stop this nonsense'. Then they showed him her grave. Noel said, 'It's not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me, Noel was shaking. Suddenly, his phone rang. 'See this is from Tiffany, see this...' he showed the phone to Tiffany's family. All of them told him to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the actual voice of Tiffany & there was no way others could use her SIM card since it was nailed inside the coffin. They were so shocked and asked for the Feng Shui Master's help again.The Master brought his co-masters to solve this matter. He & his co-masters worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing... .
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GLOBE HAS THE BEST COVERAGE... WHEREVER YOU GO, THEIR NETWORK FOLLOWS... ANG LAKAS TALAGA NG GLOBE... KAHIT NASAAN KA MAN... KAYA GLOBE NA KAYO NANG KAYO AY NAKAKASIGURADONG MALAYO ANG MARARATING NINYO... IYON LANG.... NAISAHAN KA BA! BUMAWI KA NA LANG SA IBA... HEHEHE
This is a story from University of the Philippines (Diliman) about a young college girl who passed away last month. Her name was Tiffany. She was hit by a dumper truck. She had a boyfriend named Noel. Both of them were true lovers. They always hung on the phone. You could never see her without her cell phone. In fact she also changed her network coverage from Smart to Globe, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost and get good network coverage. She spent half of the day talking with Noel. Tiffany's family knew about their relationship. Noel was very close with Tiffany's family. (Just imagine their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends 'If I pass away please bury me with my hand phone' she also said the same thing to her parents. After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't, everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called a Feng Shui Master. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly. After a few minutes, he said 'THIS GIRL MISSES SOMETHING HERE '. Then her friends told the Master about her intentions to bury her with her phone. He then opened the coffin and places her phone and SIM card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked. Tiffany's parents did not inform Noel that Tiffany had passed away. After 2 weeks Noel called Tiffany's mom and said, 'I'm coming home today. Cook something nice for me. Don't tell Tiffany that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her.' Her mother replied... 'You come home first, I wanna tell you something very important.' After he came, they told him the truth about Tiffany. Noel thought that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said 'don't try to fool me - tell Tiffany to come out, I have a gift for her. Please stop this nonsense'. Then they showed him her grave. Noel said, 'It's not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me, Noel was shaking. Suddenly, his phone rang. 'See this is from Tiffany, see this...' he showed the phone to Tiffany's family. All of them told him to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard his conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the actual voice of Tiffany & there was no way others could use her SIM card since it was nailed inside the coffin. They were so shocked and asked for the Feng Shui Master's help again.The Master brought his co-masters to solve this matter. He & his co-masters worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing... .
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GLOBE HAS THE BEST COVERAGE... WHEREVER YOU GO, THEIR NETWORK FOLLOWS... ANG LAKAS TALAGA NG GLOBE... KAHIT NASAAN KA MAN... KAYA GLOBE NA KAYO NANG KAYO AY NAKAKASIGURADONG MALAYO ANG MARARATING NINYO... IYON LANG.... NAISAHAN KA BA! BUMAWI KA NA LANG SA IBA... HEHEHE
Saturday, February 23, 2008
WATER OF LIFE
Note: This e-mail was sent to me a year ago and it was in my inbox again yesterday, so I decided to post it, maybe it could be a great help to all of us.
DRINK WATER ON EMPTY STOMACH
It is popular in Japan today to drink water immediately after waking up every morning. Furthermore, scientific tests have proven its value. We publish below a description of use of water for our readers. For old and serious diseases as well as modern illnesses the water treatment had been found successful by a Japanese medical society as a 100% cure for the following diseases: Headache, Body ache, Heart system, Arthritis, Fast Heart Beat, Epilepsy, excess fatness, Bronchitis Asthma, TB, Meningitis, Kidney and Urine Diseases, Vomiting, Gastritis, Diarrhea, Piles, Diabetes, Constipation, all eye diseases, womb, Cancer and Menstrual Disorders, (ENT) - Ear, Nose and Throat diseases.
METHOD OF TREAMENT
1. As you wake up in the morning before brushing teeth, drink 4 x 160ml glasses of water... interesting!
2. Brush and clean the mouth but do not eat or drink anything for 45 minutes
3. After 45 minutes you may eat and drink as normal.
4. After 15 minutes of breakfast, lunch and dinner do not eat or drink anything for 2 hours.
5. Those who are old or sick and are unable to drink 4 glasses of water at the beginning may commence by taking little water and gradually increase it to 4 glasses per day.
6. The above method of treatment will cure diseases of the sick and others can enjoy a healthy life.
The following list gives the number of days of treatment required to cure/control/ reduce Main Diseases:
High Blood Pressure - 30 days ·
Gastric - 10 days ·
Diabetes - 30 days ·
Constipation - 10 days ·
Cancer - 180 days ·
TB - 90 days ·
Arthritic patients should follow the above treatment only for 3 days in the 1st week, and from 2nd week onwards - daily. This treatment method has no side effects, however at the commencement of treatment you may have to urinate a few times. It is better if we continue this and make this procedure as a routine work in our life. Drink Water and Stay healthy and Active.
This makes sense... the Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals not cold water. Maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating!!! Nothing to lose, everything to gain... For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this "sludge" reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
A serious note about Heart Attacks: Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive... A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to everyone they know, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.
DRINK WATER ON EMPTY STOMACH
It is popular in Japan today to drink water immediately after waking up every morning. Furthermore, scientific tests have proven its value. We publish below a description of use of water for our readers. For old and serious diseases as well as modern illnesses the water treatment had been found successful by a Japanese medical society as a 100% cure for the following diseases: Headache, Body ache, Heart system, Arthritis, Fast Heart Beat, Epilepsy, excess fatness, Bronchitis Asthma, TB, Meningitis, Kidney and Urine Diseases, Vomiting, Gastritis, Diarrhea, Piles, Diabetes, Constipation, all eye diseases, womb, Cancer and Menstrual Disorders, (ENT) - Ear, Nose and Throat diseases.
METHOD OF TREAMENT
1. As you wake up in the morning before brushing teeth, drink 4 x 160ml glasses of water... interesting!
2. Brush and clean the mouth but do not eat or drink anything for 45 minutes
3. After 45 minutes you may eat and drink as normal.
4. After 15 minutes of breakfast, lunch and dinner do not eat or drink anything for 2 hours.
5. Those who are old or sick and are unable to drink 4 glasses of water at the beginning may commence by taking little water and gradually increase it to 4 glasses per day.
6. The above method of treatment will cure diseases of the sick and others can enjoy a healthy life.
The following list gives the number of days of treatment required to cure/control/ reduce Main Diseases:
High Blood Pressure - 30 days ·
Gastric - 10 days ·
Diabetes - 30 days ·
Constipation - 10 days ·
Cancer - 180 days ·
TB - 90 days ·
Arthritic patients should follow the above treatment only for 3 days in the 1st week, and from 2nd week onwards - daily. This treatment method has no side effects, however at the commencement of treatment you may have to urinate a few times. It is better if we continue this and make this procedure as a routine work in our life. Drink Water and Stay healthy and Active.
This makes sense... the Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals not cold water. Maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating!!! Nothing to lose, everything to gain... For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you. It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion. Once this "sludge" reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.
A serious note about Heart Attacks: Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting. Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line. You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack. Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms. 60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up. Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep. Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive... A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this mail sends it to everyone they know, you can be sure that we'll save at least one life.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
SOUND CHINESE TO ME
Note: Since Chinese New Year is just around the corner, let me share this story that will surely make you smile. :)
Ang dami kong kaibigang Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim, Tan, Co, Go, Chua, Chi, Sy at kung anu-ano pa. Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert Go ako naging malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa, madalas siya ang taya sa tuwing gigimik ang barkada.
Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang ama. Sinamahan ko siya sa pagdalaw. Nasa ICU na noon ang kanyang ama dahil sa stroke. Naron din ang ilan sa kanyang malalapit na kamag-anak. Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan.... hindi ko maintindihan. Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan nang umuwi. Maiwan daw muna ako at pakibantayan ang kanyang ama habang inihahatid nya ang kanyang mga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital.
Lumipat ako sa gawing kaliwa ng kama ng kanyang ama para ilapag ang mga iniwan nilang mga gamit na kakailanganin ng magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag ko na ay biglang nangisay ang matanda. Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga... Kinuyom nya ang kanyang palad at paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang intsik na hindi ko maintindihan. "Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta guae yong khee"... "Di ta guae yong khee".. paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya malagutan ng hininga. Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama. Ikinagulat nya ang pangyayari ngunit marahil ay tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang kanyang ama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon na yata ang pinakamasidhing pagluha na nasaksihan ko. Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong magdadatingin uli ang kanyang mga kamag-anak. Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi.
Habang nasa taksi.. tinawagan ko ang iba pa naming kabarkada. Una kong tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si Noel mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng "Di ta guae yong khee". "Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba narinig 'yan?".
Filipino-Chinese name and meaning :
Born during the night - Andy Lim
Born blind - Kenneth Sy
Born being swindled - Lino Co
Born while cooking - Nilo Toh
Born as 10th child - Sam Po
Born while being courted - Lily Gaw
Born fat - Bob Uy
Born little - Kathy Ting
Born different - Eva Yan
Born with porridge - Lino Gaw
Born looking for someone - Allen Sia
Born while counterfeiting - Faye King
Born during Sunday - Lyn Go
Born with malice - Mali Sia
Born angry with someone - Ally Tan
Born with picture - Lara Huan
Born with sweets - Ken Dy
Born undefined - Sam Ting
Born while taking a bath - Lily Go
Born not to take a bath - Dinah Lily Go
Born while buying - Bill Li
Born secretly - Tina Go
Born to pass flatus - Otto Tin
Born ugly - Kaw Yan
Born enormous - Malou Ang
May reklamo ka??? - Nath Ting (hehehehe)
Ang dami kong kaibigang Intsik. Apelyidong Uy, Lim, Tan, Co, Go, Chua, Chi, Sy at kung anu-ano pa. Pero sa kanilang lahat kay Gilbert Go ako naging malapit. Mayaman si Gilbert kaya mangyari pa, madalas siya ang taya sa tuwing gigimik ang barkada.
Isang araw na-ospital ang kanyang ama. Sinamahan ko siya sa pagdalaw. Nasa ICU na noon ang kanyang ama dahil sa stroke. Naron din ang ilan sa kanyang malalapit na kamag-anak. Nag-usap sila. Intsik ang kanilang usapan.... hindi ko maintindihan. Pagkatapos ng ilang minutong usap-usap, nagkayayaan nang umuwi. Maiwan daw muna ako at pakibantayan ang kanyang ama habang inihahatid nya ang kanyang mga kamag-anak palabas ng ospital.
Lumipat ako sa gawing kaliwa ng kama ng kanyang ama para ilapag ang mga iniwan nilang mga gamit na kakailanganin ng magbabantay sa ospital. Nang akmang ilalapag ko na ay biglang nangisay ang matanda. Hinahabol nya ang kanyang hininga... Kinuyom nya ang kanyang palad at paulit-ulit siyang nagsalita ng wikang intsik na hindi ko maintindihan. "Di ta guae yong khee"..... "Di ta guae yong khee"... "Di ta guae yong khee".. paulit-ulit nya itong binigkas bago siya malagutan ng hininga. Pagbalik ni Gilbert ay patay na ang kanyang ama. Ikinagulat nya ang pangyayari ngunit marahil ay tanggap na rin nya na papanaw na ang kanyang ama. Walang tinig na namutawi sa kanyang bibig. Ngunit iyon na yata ang pinakamasidhing pagluha na nasaksihan ko. Nagpa-alam muna ako, dahil siguradong magdadatingin uli ang kanyang mga kamag-anak. Sumakay ako ng taksi pauwi.
Habang nasa taksi.. tinawagan ko ang iba pa naming kabarkada. Una kong tinawagan si Noel Chua. Dahil marunong si Noel mag-intsik, tinanong ko muna kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng "Di ta guae yong khee". "Huwag mong apakan ang oxygen. "... "Bakit saan mo ba narinig 'yan?".
Filipino-Chinese name and meaning :
Born during the night - Andy Lim
Born blind - Kenneth Sy
Born being swindled - Lino Co
Born while cooking - Nilo Toh
Born as 10th child - Sam Po
Born while being courted - Lily Gaw
Born fat - Bob Uy
Born little - Kathy Ting
Born different - Eva Yan
Born with porridge - Lino Gaw
Born looking for someone - Allen Sia
Born while counterfeiting - Faye King
Born during Sunday - Lyn Go
Born with malice - Mali Sia
Born angry with someone - Ally Tan
Born with picture - Lara Huan
Born with sweets - Ken Dy
Born undefined - Sam Ting
Born while taking a bath - Lily Go
Born not to take a bath - Dinah Lily Go
Born while buying - Bill Li
Born secretly - Tina Go
Born to pass flatus - Otto Tin
Born ugly - Kaw Yan
Born enormous - Malou Ang
May reklamo ka??? - Nath Ting (hehehehe)
Monday, November 12, 2007
THIS BLOG TELLS SOME PINOY SIGN OF WITS.
BREAD PITT - Bakery is still number 1 business sa community. Ito medyo may dating ang pangalan. or ANITA BAKERy
BOTE NGA SA IYO - Junk shop are mushrooming now, everywhere.
FRIED OF MARIKINA - A chicken house.
FELIX THE CUT -a barber shop
CAINTACKY - an eatery located in Cainta, Rizal
DORIS DAY & NIGHT - 24 hours eatery.
TOKWA-TOKWA - Tokwa-lugaw eatery.
COOKING NG INA MO - A Karinderya w/ your mother recipes as specialties.
CHRISTOPHER PLUMBING - Plumbing problems?
BABALIK KARINDERIA - Talagang babalikan lalo na kung masarap.
PANSIT NG TAGA MALABONI -In tradition of Pansit Malabon na nasa Mandaluyong.
CLEOPATAS - A pata house
LET'S GO-AT TOGETHER - A goat restaurant.
LITO LAPIDa - Lapida maker.
HOLLYWEIRD - A novelty store.
LION KING VIDEO- a video rental shop.
MacDonuts- a doughnut shop.
MARUYA CAREY - Maruya (banana pan cake) Turon (Banana fritters)
MANG DONALD - a local burger restaurant.
MEMORY DRUG - Magandang kumpetensiya ng Mercury Drug.
MIKI MAO - A noodle house w/ Chinese and Disney sounding name.
PETAL ATTRACTION - a flower shop in Diliman.
SikaTUNA - grilled tuna belly at its best along Sikatuna Village, QC.
THE WAY WE WEAR - a boutique.
WRAP AND ROLL - A lumpia outlet.
WALANG TULUGAN - A funeral parlor.
And two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis. Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the 'Taglish' (ThePhilippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino such as:
At a restaurant menu in Cebu "We had sopdrink in can an in batol" [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].
Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises - [translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to 'correct' them like.......
In a restaurant in Baguio City, the 'summer capital' of thePhilippines: " Wanted: Boy Waitress"
On a highway in Pampanga: "We Make Modern Antique Furniture"
On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan: "We Shoot You WhileYou Wait"
And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila: "Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier". Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression such as:
A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: "We Sell ImportedRobber Shoes" (these could be the 'sneakiest' sneakers);
A rental property sign in Jaro reads: "House For Rent, Fully Furnaced"(it must really be hot inside)!
Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique - if not altogether odd. City in southern Philippines which said: "Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation".
European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia - which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho andMr. Po respectively - (believe it or not)!
Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient."The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words, "says reader Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign .....HouseFersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?
According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because "We are a country where a good sense of humor is needed to survive". We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.
Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live?
BOTE NGA SA IYO - Junk shop are mushrooming now, everywhere.
FRIED OF MARIKINA - A chicken house.
FELIX THE CUT -a barber shop
CAINTACKY - an eatery located in Cainta, Rizal
DORIS DAY & NIGHT - 24 hours eatery.
TOKWA-TOKWA - Tokwa-lugaw eatery.
COOKING NG INA MO - A Karinderya w/ your mother recipes as specialties.
CHRISTOPHER PLUMBING - Plumbing problems?
BABALIK KARINDERIA - Talagang babalikan lalo na kung masarap.
PANSIT NG TAGA MALABONI -In tradition of Pansit Malabon na nasa Mandaluyong.
CLEOPATAS - A pata house
LET'S GO-AT TOGETHER - A goat restaurant.
LITO LAPIDa - Lapida maker.
HOLLYWEIRD - A novelty store.
LION KING VIDEO- a video rental shop.
MacDonuts- a doughnut shop.
MARUYA CAREY - Maruya (banana pan cake) Turon (Banana fritters)
MANG DONALD - a local burger restaurant.
MEMORY DRUG - Magandang kumpetensiya ng Mercury Drug.
MIKI MAO - A noodle house w/ Chinese and Disney sounding name.
PETAL ATTRACTION - a flower shop in Diliman.
SikaTUNA - grilled tuna belly at its best along Sikatuna Village, QC.
THE WAY WE WEAR - a boutique.
WRAP AND ROLL - A lumpia outlet.
WALANG TULUGAN - A funeral parlor.
And two butcher shops called Meating Place and Meatropolis. Smart travelers can decipher what may look like baffling signs to unaccustomed foreigners by simply sounding out the 'Taglish' (ThePhilippine version of English words spelled and pronounced with a heavy Filipino such as:
At a restaurant menu in Cebu "We had sopdrink in can an in batol" [translation: We have soft drinks in can and in bottle].
Then, there is a sewing accessories shop called Bids And Pises - [translation: Beads and Pieces --or-- Bits and Pieces]There are also many signs with either badly chosen or misspelled words but they are usually so entertaining that it would be a mistake to 'correct' them like.......
In a restaurant in Baguio City, the 'summer capital' of thePhilippines: " Wanted: Boy Waitress"
On a highway in Pampanga: "We Make Modern Antique Furniture"
On the window of a photography shop in Cabanatuan: "We Shoot You WhileYou Wait"
And on the glass front of a cafe in Panay Avenue in Manila: "Wanted: Waiter, Cashier, Washier". Some of the notices can even give a wrong impression such as:
A shoe store in Pangasinan which has a sign saying: "We Sell ImportedRobber Shoes" (these could be the 'sneakiest' sneakers);
A rental property sign in Jaro reads: "House For Rent, Fully Furnaced"(it must really be hot inside)!
Occasionally, one could come across signs that are truly unique - if not altogether odd. City in southern Philippines which said: "Adults: 1 peso; Child: 50 centavos; Cadavers: fare subject to negotiation".
European tourists may also be intrigued to discover two competing shops selling hopia (a Chinese pastry) called Holland Hopia and Poland Hopia - which are owned and operated by two local Chinese entrepreneurs, Mr. Ho andMr. Po respectively - (believe it or not)!
Some folks also 'creatively' redesign English to be more efficient."The creative confusion between language and culture leads to more than just simple unintentional errors in syntax, but in the adoption of new words, "says reader Robert Goodfellow who came across a sign .....HouseFersallarend' (house for sale or rent). Why use five words when two will do?
According to Manila businessman, Tonyboy Ongsiako, there is so much wit in the Philippines because "We are a country where a good sense of humor is needed to survive". We have a 24-hour comedy show here called the government and a huge reserve of comedians made up mostly of politicians and bad actors.
Now I ask you where else in the world would one want to live?
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